Bee (paintswithtea) wrote,

Journal Entry - 004: That Weight on My Shoulders

I keep waiting to write an email home until I can write that I am happy and content and doing just fine without lying, but it seems like waiting for that moment is going to take longer than I expected. Not that I doubt it will ever come, I know to feel disconnected, displaced, and out of sorts comes naturally with moving, particularly moving this distance, but I don't think any amount of warnings or advice really prepare you for it. 

Its not something that hits you. At least not for me. 

Instead it is something that is just heavy. And constant. You might call it jet lag at first, then culture shock, or any number of names, but in the end I find that I am walking around with a constant bittersweetness that has nothing to do with the country of France. Its nothing tangible or changeable that I can attribute this feeling to, just the lack of anything familiar, that comfort you have in your hometown of knowing what is behind a door or a gate, and thus knowing a place beyond the surface. To be somewhere new, and to not have the shield of being a 'tourist' and thus intended to feel out of place since you are there in passing, is like walking on a set where you can only see the backdrops and the cut-outs of buildings, but have no idea whats behind them. 

I also can't say that I am particularly UNhappy. 

It kinda feels like I am almost indifferent, feeling like "okay, well, i'm here now." *Shrug* 

Not exactly uplifting now is it? 

Tags: france
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